Zanpakuto: The (il)logical conclusions
by See Mohn
Summary: In which I take Zanpakuto and make them horrifically overpowered without changing anything. Or rather: Bleach, Munchkin Edition.
1. Chapter 1

Zanpakuto: The (probably not) Logical Conclusions.

Word of warning before I start: Some of these are probably nowhere near what they can do in canon. But hey, rule of funny.

_Chapter 1: Wabisuke_

As he watched his superior officers fall one-by-one to Aizen's blade, Kira Izuru began to panic.

_We're all doomed. There's nothing we can do here._ Admittedly, it was the logical conclusion, seeing as the traitorous captain of Division Five was simply walking all over the captains- damn, there went Komamura, too. As the wolf-faced captain fell to the ground, Rangiku began to stir within the barrier containing the various injured Lieutenants. Groggily lifting her head to the sky, she was startled into alertness by the resounding thud of Komamura crashing into the street nearby.

"…Kira."

The Division Three lieutenant turned around. "Matsumoto, your injuries aren't fully healed. Please try not to move too much. Admittedly, we're probably all going to get killed by Aizen, but for now let's just pretend we might live if we sit still."

Matsumoto gave him a look, seemingly in thought. "Kira, your zanpakuto makes whatever you hit with it heavier, right?"

Kira blinked at the apparent non sequitur. "Yes, it does, but only if I want it to be affected."

"So you can decide if something becomes heavier or not? Like if you accidentally hit an ally?"

"Right, it's only- _ouch_, that did not look pleasant." Kira was now referring to Lisa Yadomaru having just been cut down, and missed the grin growing on Rangiku's face. He did not, however, miss her next words.

"Kira, I've got an idea that might work on Aizen. Even with his illusions, if my idea is right, it wouldn't matter."

Izuru blinked. "Wait. How in the hell are two lieutenants going to stop the guy who just _gutted a captain and two former captains?_" Again, a logical, if morbid, conclusion.

Rangiku's smile grew even wider. "Oh, it's not two lieutenants. Just you. Just listen carefully and do exactly what I say. If it works, I'll buy the sake next time we go out drinking."

Kira shrugged. _Worst-case scenario, it doesn't work and we all die anyway. Best case, free drinks and Aizen is stopped. And if we did nothing, it'd be the worst case anyway._ "So what do you need me to do?"

Meanwhile, up in the air, Aizen had just cut down, well, everyone except four or five people. And now he was preparing to get the rest. _Hm… who's first?_ As if answering his question, Suì-Fèng, captain of Division Two and leader of the Soul Society's Stealth and Assassination Forces, decided to jump into plain view, twenty feet away from him. _Okay, that answers that. Since there's no possible way she would actually be this stupid, I can safely assume they're setting up a trap._ Deciding to pre-emptively beat their strategy, Aizen weaved a simple illusion of himself remaining in place, making witty banter with his "opponent," (read: target practice) while he personally strolled merrily down a staircase of air or however that silly trick works in the general direction of the Lieutenants. _Alright, just gotta time this perfectly. Wait until they catch the decoy in a seemingly perfect trap, then use that teleport Kido to toss Hinamori in the way._ Plan of action decided, he hastened his steps, landing roughly fifteen feet behind the Lieutenants. Checking on the decoy, it seemed as though it was currently "blocking" Suzumebachi (if it had hit him for real, he mused, it probably would be blockable in the same, but best not to try just in case). Everything was just about set- oh wow_ Toshiro _was getting ready to attack. This would be even better than he'd hoped. Time to go. Aizen began muttering the incantation for the teleportation spell while trotting toward Momo- the spell did need him to be making physical contact with the target- when suddenly, he felt himself slowing down. Not even that, it felt as though all of his movements had become sluggish, and he was wading through mud just to go ten feet. As he kept going, his movements got even more restricted, and by the time he was within striking distance of Momo, he could barely move his legs, much left lift his sword. _Okay, what the hell._ Suddenly, up above, he heard the Kurosaki boy shout.

"_WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING? HE'S DOWN BELOW!"_

Okay, not too much of a problem, even if they knew where he was, they shouldn't be able to see him behind the illusions. Just put the decoy where Momo was sitting now then.

_Clang_

Aizen lowered his eyes to see his sword clattering to the ground. And then he felt his knees hit the ground. Gritting his teeth, he tried to reach for his sword, muttering.

"Why… can't… I… move?"

His thoughts were so focused on moving his limbs he forgot to keep the illusion up. Except he didn't realize that until, well…

"Holy crap, it actually worked. How in the hell did you figure that out?"

Wait. Was that Izuru? Quickly running his mind through what he remembered of Gin's (former) lieutenant, he tried to think what he could possibly have- wait. Wabisuke. That silly weight gimmick. Was it affecting him somehow? But _how the hell-_

"I think the blood loss from that crazy monster earlier had me a bit delirious when I woke up. Kinda like being drunk, and that's where all my good ideas come from." That… was Rangiku. As the supercomputer that was Sousuke Aizen's mind struggled to add two and two, Kira decided to skip to the exponential part of the equation. Walking swiftly over to Aizen with his shikai active, he smacked him on each limb five times, the torso ten times, and the head three times. Just to be safe. Although he couldn't deny enjoying it a little.

"Right, then, that's taken care of. Anyone want to do the finishing honors? Pretty sure I wouldn't be able to actually cut him through his reiatsu. Or if you want to arrest him or something."

Toshiro flash-stepped in front of Aizen, as did Shunsui, Shinji, and Suì-Fèng. "One limb each for the four of us, then the head captain can finish the job."

Shinji nodded. "Deal."

Shunsui shrugged. "Eh, sure, why not."

Suì-Fèng grinned somewhat sadistically. "Think Unohana could attach his left arm where mine was?"

The medic-captain in question's voice echoed from a couple blocks away. "I'd really not recommend that, considering one of Ichigo's friends could just restore your original arm."

Suì-Fèng shrugged. "Alright, but I'm hanging his arm in my office."

"Just make sure it's preserved and in an airtight case."

Aizen, at this point both confused and incredibly aggravated, growled. "How the hell did you slow me down in the first place? You never hit me. _You didn't even know where I was."_

Izuru decided to hold off on explanations until after the aforementioned limbs were several miles away from Aizen.

"Matsumoto had the idea to use Wabisuke to make the air heavier. It only affects who I want it to, and all I had to do was flail it around a few dozen times. If that hadn't worked, the backup plan was to hit the ground a bunch to increase the planet's mass and therefore gravity, but that might have been dangerous to the general population of the living world. Basically, when you came over to try to attack us, you were getting closer and closer to the area where Wabisuke's effect was strongest. So thanks for helping me get a free night of drinks."

Aizen did not respond, being unconscious, tied up with regular rope, Kido rope, and reiatsu-sealing rope, and missing all of his limbs.

**If Wabisuke could actually do that, it'd be so hilariously overpowered. Although it wouldn't surprise me if a hypothetical Bankai of it could do something along those lines, but considering the last thing we saw of Kira in canon…**

**I have a couple other ideas for horribly breaking Zanpakuto (current count of other ideas: two shikai and one bankai) If anyone has an idea of their own(it has to at least ****_sound_**** feasible within the canon mechanics) don't hesitate to tell me.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: _Senbonzakura_

Byakuya Kuchiki, captain of Division Six, stared down As Nodt, one of the invading Quincy army.

"Captain, what should we do here? The reports said they could do something with Bankai, so should we try to figure out what it is?" Renji Abarai, his lieutenant, interjected.

Byakuya watched his foe carefully. At the mention of Bankai, he could have sworn their eyes grew wide with excitement. As such…

"If they have a weapon that can neutralize our Bankai, then it would be a bad idea to do so. If their weapons dictate the flow of battle, we must use that to our advantage. _Scatter, Senbonzakura._" Invoking his Shikai once more, Byakuya watched as the thousand miniscule blades flew towards his enemy.

As Nodt chuckled as the whirlwind of blades slashed at him futilely, dealing nothing worse than paper cuts. "It doesn't matter, Captain. Without Bankai, your blades are not strong enough to do anything more than superficial scratches to me. After all, our _Blut Vene_ is nigh invulnerable. Of course… you can't say the same about my weapons harming you."

As the Quincy's arrows shot towards Byakuya and Renji, he began formulating a plan in the midst of frantically dodging. _I know Senbonzakura can scratch him. Their Blut Vene must only block wounds that would be critical to them. And I can guess that such a defensive measure would require a fair amount of focus to maintain._ With these estimations, Byakuya had an idea. "Renji. On my signal, attack him with the most powerful strike you can use in Shikai." Mentally commanding the Senbon blades toward his new target, he waited for an opportunity.

"You just don't get it. Nothing you do can cut-" As Nodt's words were cut off by his scream of pain as a few of the tiny razor blades, breaking away from their continued assault at his limbs, slashed into his eyes. As he stumbled about in agony, Byakuya could sense his spiritual energy fluctuating. Turning to Renji-

"_Roar, Zabimaru!"_ Well, looked like Renji didn't need the signal. Zabimaru's blade extended to its maximum length, using the enhanced momentum to embed itself into As Nodt's torso, dealing a critical blow. Renji continued with the assault, swinging Zabimaru once more into the Quincy's neck, dealing a fatal blow this time.

"Well done, Renji. I suppose you didn't need the signal after all."

Renji gave a small smirk. "I've worked with you long enough to know an opening when I see one. But how exactly did you get him to drop his guard like that, anyway?"

Byakuya looked at his lieutenant with a small glimpse of satisfaction.

"His Blut Vene, as he called it, was unable to completely block my Shikai's blades. All I had to do was target the one location where even a scratch is debilitating: the eyes. Once that was hit, he dropped control of his defenses."

Moments later, a _Tenteikura_ transmitted a message across the battlefield, and Matsumoto's voice rang out. "_Attention: Do not use Bankai! They are capable of stealing control of it from the wielder!"_

Byakuya gave Renji a look. "See, this is why we pay attention to the briefings."

**Tangent: The Gotei 13 may be the single most inept military organization in all of fiction in the current arc. In rough order: Using Bankai despite knowing the enemies had some sort of anti-Bankai weapon, letting your superiors kick out the ****_one guy_**** whose Bankai is somehow unstealable (also the same guy who saved their collective asses less than two years ago), sending their best medic to die so Kenpachi gets a bit better at hacking things up* (admittedly, Kenpachi downed three Stern Ritter before this power-up, but ****_seriously_****). Other tangent: Ichigo skirmished with that one ArranQuincy at the beginning of the arc. The guy tried to steal his Bankai. In the translation I saw, he used the word ****_steal_**** at least once. Did Ichigo just not tell anyone this? **

**And before you ask, Senbonzakura did slice up As Nodt's arm a bit at the beginning of that fight (Chapter 496). It's clearly not completely perfect.**

***For the sake of not plagiarizing, that comment is paraphrased from Moczo's "Reality Ensues" fic from a couple months back.**


End file.
